i wish there were pregnant emoticons
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
