Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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