hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
