found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
