i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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