That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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