An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
