My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
