My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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