YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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