You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
