Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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