the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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