I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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