just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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