You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
