to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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