hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
