If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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