so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
