just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
