I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
