She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
