were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
