If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
