i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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