her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
