your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
