I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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