everyone is single if you try hard enough
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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