i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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