"it" just moved
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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