I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
