I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
