please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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