I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
