Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
