The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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