Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I need to align my fucking chakras
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
