you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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