i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
