Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
