The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
