Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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