More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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