Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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