Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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