Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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