census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
