Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
