so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
