textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
